Fear

Right now I’m feeling very scared. I don’t know why the sudden rush but I very afraid. I feel dirty and sick. I don’t know. I think there’s a problem with me. Whenever I think about germs and bacteria I feel disgusted. As if I’m shouting inside. I’ve just read this article about germs and bacterial and how it becomes a phobia.. I think I’m having mysophobia I use to joke about it and stuff but they were explaining about the emotional fear and pain, which one has to go through, which is so true. I don’t know man.
What if I was sent to some mental ward?? But I can’t help myself. For an example, I won’t open doors with my hands. If I’m eating out, I’ll use the left-handed side of the mug because that’s cleaner I guess. I’ll sanitise the table. If I’m in the public toilet I won’t touch the cubical doors, I bring my own pen along with me so that when I sign my receipts I don’t have to use the one they supply. I prefer to pay my credit than cash, and I won’t lean against the glass panel in busses or trains.

I hate this. But I can’t help myself. I feel like lilian and my parents are irritated with me about this. I just wish I could like have a normal life. I don’t know, my dad was piss with me just now because I was wiping the remote with hydrogen peroxide. I mean I can’t help myself. I like things to be clean. I feel weird if I don’t clean or when something is not clean. It’s like, I can feel it’s not clean.
I wish someone would understand how I feel….
Hmmm….